I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
