Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just gargled with NyQuil
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
