So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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