apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
