exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I sprained my soul last night
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
