please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
