So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
