if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
