are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
