my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
