I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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