Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
