he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
