someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
