Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
