Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
