I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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