i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
