And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
As shirtless as possible
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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