That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
