What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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