You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
