Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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