Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
