Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
BRING THE BAGELS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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