last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
foreskin is a definite game changer
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
