two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
