My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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