Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
