24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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