Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
