Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
