I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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