The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
