And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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