I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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