I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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