I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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