dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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