I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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