Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
