I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
