first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
