I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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