I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
