I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
