I think I died a long time ago.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
