Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
