maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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