i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
